I'm a lawyer now

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12

I started law school in January 2005, fresh off my mission, with $77 in my bank account. Since I had no money and no job, I lived with my parents in San Jose. I was going to school in San Francisco. My daily commute was 2 hours each way. My dad dropped me off at the train station at 6:30 in the morning on his way into work, and he picked me up at the train station around 5:30 in the evening on his way home from work. It was thoroughly exhausting.

I kept that up for a year before I was fed up enough with the commute that I moved out. I ended up in Fremont, which was still a 45 minute train ride away, but it was much better. A few months later, my law school education was unceremoneously interrupted due to a whole bunch of bureaucratic nonsense that was out of my control. The day that I found that out, I also lost my job.

I spent the next two years working and trying to figure out what to do with my life, and then I went back to law school somewhere else. (At a school that was far better run and treated the students as respected colleagues instead of as obstacles.) Then I graduated.

Then I took the California bar - and failed it - three times. (Seriously, if someone reasonably intelligent with a law degree can't pass the [expletive deleted] test after three attempts, maybe there's something wrong with the test!) Then I decided that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So I took the Arizona bar in February. I found out in May that I passed it. In fact, I knocked it out of the park. It really was California and not me.

I've been waiting for my background check to clear, and I found out yesterday that it did. Most law schools have big ceremonies a few weeks after exam results are released where all of the alumni who passed the bar are sworn in en masse. Since I'm being admitted to the bar in a different state, and I'm being admitted off schedule, I don't get that.

I went to the UPS store on my lunch break today to get sworn in. So, nearly eight years of toil and effort was culminated by signing a piece of paper in front of a notary and dropping it in the mail. I'm practically allergic to ceremony, but it still felt a little anticlimactic.

I Passed the Bar!

I finally passed the bar exam. I found out on Friday afternoon, but the news hasn't really sunk in yet. In a way, I kind of feel like the cartoon where Wil E. Coyote finally caught the road runner. Once he realized that he had achieved his goal, he held up a sign that said something like "Okay. I caught him. Now what?!" So, I passed the bar, which is something I've been chasing for years. Now what?

Bar Exam Blues

I failed the bar exam. Again.

When I took the bar in February, I told myself that it was the last bar exam I would take, and if I failed, then so what. It's not like I really need to be a member of the bar to be a law professor or HR professional.

But, just like Marty McFly can't stand the thought of being called "chicken", I can't stand the thought of quitting at something. So, against my better judgment, I'll be taking the bar exam in July. Third time's a charm!

I've identified what went wrong the last two times, and I'm working to fix it by changing my study plan. I'm out of my toxic former job and into a new one, so I have renewed emotional energy. Unfortunately, my health problems have flared up again, sapping my physical energy.

I have friends to study with this time around, which is helping. (I graduated a year ahead of my friends, so they're all studying for their first try. I get to be the wise trail-weary guide on this journey of the blind leading the blind.) It was really hard to study alone the last two times.

Bar Exam Imposed Blogging Hiatus (with Reruns)

The bar exam (take two) is in six weeks. Plus, being the crazy person that I am, I'm also working full time and teaching an English class. So, blogging is going to be a little more sparse than usual around here.

I'm going to take a cue from television and do reruns. I've set up auto publishing of reprints of some of my old posts, with a little bit of commentary on what I think of them now. They'll publish on Wednesdays and Sundays, and I'll return to regular blogging at the end of February or beginning of March. (And if something comes up that I feel the need to blog about, I'll pop in before then.)

I'll try to check the moderation queue at least once per week to release comments. I wish there were a way to turn moderation on for specific posts, but my choices are no moderation, moderation for posts older than X days, or moderation for everything. I usually set X to equal 60, but until my temple post gets that old, I'm having to make X a smaller number. So there will likely be moderation on posts that don't need it for a few more weeks. Thanks for being understanding.

See you on the other side!

Locust-eaten Years

I got my bar exam results, and it turns out I'm in the same boat as several prominent and successful individuals. Which is to say, I failed the bar. The CA bar is notoriously difficult, and only about 45-55% of people pass it. (So it's not really too embarrassing to fail the CA bar. The dean of Stanford's law school failed the CA bar while she was the dean and after she had been a prominent lawyer in other jurisdictions for years. If I had failed one of the bar exams with a 97% pass rate, then I would be embarrassed. Right now, I'm more disappointed and annoyed than anything.)

I really wish I could finally have gotten a break in this whole law school ordeal. I mean, something should go right for once! But no, I always have to do things the hard way. If everything had gone according to my original plan, I would have graduated from law school in May 2007 (instead of May 2011). I would have been admitted to the bar in November 2007. Now, best case scenario, assuming I pass the bar in February, I'll be admitted to the bar in May 2012. That's a full 4 1/2 years later than I planned. People are supposed to have their act together by their mid-20's. I'm going to be 30 before I get admitted to the bar. Then there are still the itinerant years before I land my tenure track job. I'll probably be 35 before I'm stable.

But I take comfort in one of my favorite Old Testament scriptures.

And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten...And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed. And ye shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, and that I am the Lord your God, and none else: and my people shall never be ashamed.
Joel 2:25-27

God has my back. And what's even better, He'll give me back my lost time. I can't go back in time 10 years and do things differently, but God can fix it so that the lost time will have no lasting negative effects on my life. Whatever was in God's plan for my life before this delay will still be possible after this delay. I just need to hang in there.

The Bar of Judgment

The scriptures often refer to judgment as the "bar of God" or talk about the "judgment bar". Well, I took the bar exam last week, and the metaphor makes so much more sense. The merits of my education were being judged and my worthiness to be an attorney was being weighed. Had I learned properly to "think like a lawyer"? Do I know enough?

There is one big difference between California's bar exam and God's bar exam, though. Grace. California's bar examiners don't care what I had to go through to get to where I am, and they're disinclined to cut anyone any slack. God, on the other hand, is merciful and loving. He bore our griefs and carried our sorrows and has power to save us. And all we have to do is come to Him.

Moroni gives a great description of this in his final chapter.

Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.
And now I bid unto all, farewell. I soon go to rest in the paradise of God, until my spirit and body shall again reunite, and I am brought forth triumphant through the air, to meet you before the pleasing bar of the great Jehovah, the Eternal Judge of both quick and dead. Amen.
Moroni 10:32, 34

The judgment day is described as a good thing. Standing before God is the "pleasing bar". It's not pleasing because of our own efforts. It's pleasing because of God's grace. And God is willing to cut us a lot more slack than some anonymous bar examiner.

Looking Back, Moving Forward

It is quite true what philosophy says; that life must be understood backward. But then one forgets the other principle: that it must be lived forward.
Søren Kierkegaard

At times of transition in my life, I often look back and wonder what I would have done differently if I had it to do all over again. As my law school graduation approaches this weekend, I've been running in mental circles trying to figure out if I could have made these past 10 years better.

Ten years ago, in 2001, I was 19 years old. I was on top of the world, just finishing up my sophomore year in college. I was in the ROTC, and I was about to take command of the color guard. I had my life all planned out. I was going to finish college, join the Air Force, go to law school, and spend my career as a JAG officer. (I also planned on getting married, living in a house with a white picket fence with 2.4 kids and a dog. Well, a cat. I don't really like dogs.)

Life didn't happen quite like I planned.

Done with law school

I turned in my last paper on Saturday, so I'm now, finally, done with law school.

It's been a really long road with a lot of bumps along the way. A lot of people told me I should just give up because I couldn't make it.

Well, I'm glad I didn't listen to them. They were wrong.

The reality of it all hasn't fully sunk in yet. I'll write a better blog post when it has.

Graduation is on Saturday. I'm sure I'll be a big sobbing mess.

A Tale of Two Dinners

This weekend, I attended two separate dinners sponsored by organizations of religious members of the legal profession. On Friday evening, I attended a dinner sponsored by the J. Reuben Clark Law Society (JRCLS is the association of LDS lawyers). This evening, I attended a dinner sponsored by the Bay Area Association of Muslim Lawyers.

I have to say, this evening's dinner was way better. Everyone was friendly and welcoming. There were people of all ages, all races, and from many different parts of the country and the world. There were an equal number of men and women, and I did not feel out of place. The people were genuinely interested in me. When I arrived at the event, I only knew one other person (the professor who invited me). By the time I left, I had exchanged business cards with several lawyers and made friends with the other law students present.

Contrast this with a typical JRCLS event, where I show up surrounded by cliquish old guys from Utah. I'm almost always the only woman present, and I'm usually ignored because the lawyers assume I'm just there tagging along as the spouse of whichever man I happen to be talking to. (I always love seeing the look on their faces when I mention that I'm the vice president of the student chapter. You would think they had seen a unicorn or something.)

A House of Prayer

There is a room on campus in the student center that is set aside for prayer and meditation. Upon walking in, there is a sign instructing visitors to remove their shoes. There are holy books from various faith traditions that people can read. There is a fountain that creates a peaceful ambient sound, the lights are dim, and there are places to sit. I usually prefer to sit on a cushion on the floor, but there are also benches and chairs.

I visit the room when I have a need to take a breather from the hustle and bustle of law school and re-center myself. Yesterday I had some heavy things weighing on my mind, so I went there to pray.

When I entered the room, it was empty. Every time I've gone there, I've been alone. I have often wondered whether anyone else took advantage of the space. (There is a guest book near the door, and many people have written in it, so obviously others use it, just not at the same time I do.)

Why I Am a Mormon Feminist

But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you.
1 Peter 3:15

I blew it today. I was given a perfect opportunity to explain how I can be both LDS and feminist, and because I was caught off-guard, I totally messed it up.

I'm taking a class this semester in Islamic Law. I really enjoy the class, and I've found it useful in providing me with interpretive models to deal with some of my own issues. Today was definitely one of those days. The topic was feminism. At one point, the professor asked whether people should use religious arguments to advance feminist causes. I said yes and alluded to my participation in the Bloggernacle. I mentioned the tension I feel - that some conservative church members find feminism to be incompatible with church affiliation, and that some secular feminists find religious affiliation to be incompatible with feminism.

The Parable of the Gazelle

I'm still here! I have lots of thoughts that I would love to get down on paper (well, pixels, anyway), but I've been swamped. Hopefully this weekend I'll have time to say stuff.

An interesting thing happened on Tuesday. One of my friends posted a parable on her Facebook page that I had never heard before. I filed it away in my brain as something interesting and worth thinking about. Then I rushed off to work for a big meeting. At the meeting, the presenter began his lecture with the exact same story. Message received!

Here's the story:

In Africa, a gazelle wakes up in the morning knowing that in order to avoid being eaten, it must outrun the fastest lion. A lion wakes up in the morning knowing that in order to avoid starvation, it must outrun the slowest gazelle. So, it doesn't matter whether you're a gazelle or a lion, when the sun comes up, you had better be running.

I'm not sure if I'm a lion or a gazelle, but I do know that I'm a bit tired of running. Fortunately, God has a promise for the weary:

Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Isaiah 40:30-31

The first thing that stands out to me is that it's okay to be tired. There's nothing wrong with me for feeling like life is just a bit too overwhelming right now. The next thing that stands out is that by waiting on the Lord (or as it says in other translations, having hope in the Lord), I can be strengthened. I still have to run, but I won't be weary while doing so.

My Calling in Life

In a recent comment, CJ asked me why I want to be a professor. Here's my (rather lengthy) response.

As a teenager, I envied people who knew what their calling in life was. I didn't know mine. My father is an engineer, my grandfather is an engineering professor, and I showed early aptitude in math and science. Naturally, everyone assumed that I would become an engineer as well. My parents never pressured me in that direction, but my extended family and teachers at school did. There was just one problem with this: I hate math!

I joined the debate team in high school and I loved it. I also joined the mock trial team and I loved that, too. I decided to major in political science and then go to law school. I figured I would be a litigator. I thought it would be fun, but I still didn't feel any sense of a calling.

Are you considering law school?

Kevin Barney at By Common Consent wrote a post entitled All About Law School. He discussed his experiences in law school and invited the commenters to do the same. As regular readers of my blog know, I've had a rather difficult and atypical law school experience. That has colored my response to the questions asked. I've reproduced my comment below.

Ye Visited Me Not

The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly.

Søren Kierkegaard

This quote has been on my mind a lot lately as I've come to understand that being a follower of Christ requires a lot. He gave His all for us, and we must give our all for Him. Turning the other cheek is hard. Loving those who harm people is a huge challenge.

Lately, I've been trying to focus on the knowledge that everyone I meet is created in the image of God. One scripture that I keep in the forefront of my mind is in the book of Matthew, chapter 25. I normally focus on verses 31-40. Christ is prophesying His second coming, and He starts out by saying that when He returns, He will divide his followers from those who do not follow Him. His followers are welcomed into His presence because when they cared for the sick and the poor, they were caring for Him. However, I was stung by the rebuke contained in the verses that followed.

Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels . . . I was . . . in prison, and ye visited me not. Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee . . . in prison, and did not minister unto thee? Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.

Matthew 25:41-45 (emphasis added)

I've never had a problem with feeding and clothing the poor or visiting the sick and lonely. But I have been negligent in the command to visit those in prison. I always considered those in prison to be somebody else's problem. Out of sight, out of mind, plus, they deserve to be there - they're criminals.

No More Strangers

Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellowcitizens with the saints, and of the household of God.

~Ephesians 2:19

Last week, I went to a J. Reuben Clark Society dinner. (I hate networking, but it's the only way to get a job, and since I'm the vice president of the student chapter, I kind of have to go to these sorts of things.) It was at the end of a really long day and I had a migraine, so I really really didn't want to be there. I'm so glad I went, though.

The guest of honor was Judge Thomas Griffith, a judge on the D.C. Circuit. After dinner, he gave a few remarks. I figured he would talk about what it's like to be a judge and give some friendly advice to the 50 or so law students present.

Abraham, Isaac, and Me

It's often said in the church that we will all have to endure a test of our faith like Abraham's. I'm going to set aside for a moment the discussion on whether or not that is hyperbole. It got me thinking. I've always had concerns with the story of Abraham and Isaac. What kind of God would ask someone to sacrifice his child?

Then I realized that in a very real way, God has asked that of me as well. I'm unmarried and I have no children. This is not because I desire a single and childless life. It is because, despite my pleadings, God wants me to be single right now. He asked me to sacrifice family life when He called me on a mission. He asked me to postpone childbearing for a few more years when he called me into academia. I'm itinerant right now because of the nature of my vocation, and that rootlessness is not conducive to family life. There's a common saying among female professors that the time between tenure and menopause is the only time the system allows for pregnancy.

I've never desired to be a stay at home parent, but I do want to have children. God has promised me children, but He has guided my life in such a manner that children cannot be a part of the plan right now. With each passing year that that is the case, the number of children I can bear drops. I'm old enough now that absent medical intervention, I likely will not have as many kids as I want.

God stopped Abraham from completing the sacrifice. In the end, he did not have to give up his child. That made me realize that God will do the same for me. I don't know if that means I'll get tenure expeditiously, if I'll have a longer period of fertility, or if I'll have the opportunity to adopt. All I know is that if I stay faithful, God will allow me the academic career He has called me to, and that I won't have to give up my children.

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Note: This post is not the place for the "mommy wars". Any comments vilifying stay at home parents, working parents, or non-parents for the paths God has called them to and the life choices those callings necessitate will be deleted. Keep it civil.

Final Exams

I'm in the middle of finals right now, but I'm checking in to let everyone know I haven't abandoned my blog. More to come when I'm not swamped!

Keep Your Politics out of My Religious Organization

People who take their religion seriously often find that their political views are informed by their religious convictions. I get that. I respect that. I have no problem with that. My politics are informed by my religious views. However, it annoys me when people try to bring their politics into church settings. Church is about worshiping God. It should be a vacation from politics. Good people can differ about the wisest political course to take, and politics can serve to divide instead of unite.

The Sabbath Day

Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work:
But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates:

Exodus 20:8-10

I love the Sabbath. I love having a day set aside for spiritual pursuits, a day where I can say no to worldly cares. Some of the best Sabbaths I've had have been when I've been visiting my extended family. We sit and talk and get caught up with one another. The conversations range from current events to what's going on in our lives, to spiritual topics. It feels refreshing.

I live in an apartment right now with four other women. I'm the only Sabbath observer in the apartment. We're in pretty close quarters, so it's hard to find a quiet space sometimes. I've come to realize that in many ways, the Sabbath is a feeling I can carry with me, regardless of what is going on around me.

When the Ten Commandments were given, two reasons were listed for the commandment to observe the Sabbath:
In Exodus 20:11, we are reminded of the story of the creation. "For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it."
In Deuteronomy 5:15, we are reminded of the miracle of the children of Israel being led out of Egypt. "And remember that thou wast a servant in the land of Egypt, and that the Lord thy God brought thee out thence through a mighty hand and by a stretched out arm: therefore the Lord thy God commanded thee to keep the sabbath day."

We live in an increasingly 24/7 world. Obviously, there is some work that must be done, even on the Sabbath. Police officers, fire fighters, and emergency room personnel must be available at all times. When my car broke down on the way home from church, I was grateful that a tow truck driver was working and was able to help me pull my modern-day ox out of the mire.

However, I worry about what is going to happen to my Sabbath observance when I get out into the legal field. I already feel at a bit of a disadvantage even in law school, since I don't study or do homework on Sunday. I have six days to do what everyone else has seven days to do, and with how competitive law school is, it's a sacrifice. (I've been blessed for making that sacrifice, so I'm not complaining.)

I know I have several lawyers who read my blog. How do you manage observing the Sabbath while working as a lawyer? For you non-lawyers out there, how do you manage Sabbath observance with your job?