The Gluten-free Bread of Life

My new calling at church has me sitting on the stand a few times per month, so I get to observe things from a different vantage point. Last Sunday, a few minutes before sacrament meeting started, a woman brought a baggie with a piece of corn tortilla up to the priests at the sacrament table. She said that she was gluten free and needed an alternative way to take the sacrament. One of the priests placed the tortilla in a paper cup so that it wouldn't be contaminated by the bread and then put it on a sacrament tray.

I found this whole exchange very moving. It was beautiful to see an accommodation made so that a fellow saint can participate in worshiping with us without doing herself harm. The tortilla wasn't labeled as inferior, different, or non-ideal. When the priest blessed the bread, the tortilla was blessed right along with it. Both the bread and the tortilla became equally representative of the body of Christ.

This got me thinking about spiritual gluten. What things are we doing at church that nourish the majority but harm a few? So often, I hear people say things like "we can't worry about people who don't fit the mold because we have to teach 'the ideal'." That's the spiritual equivalent of telling someone with celiac disease to eat the bread and be happy about it because it's good for 98% of the population. To do this is to spiritually poison some of our fellow saints.

Sometimes we'll do lip service to different circumstances, but it often comes off as condescending and exclusionary. I'm reminded of how Mother's Day is often handled at church. Women without children are patted on the head and told that we matter, but it's immediately followed up with language like "motherhood is the most important thing you can do with your life." (Subtext: "so what you're doing isn't.") Our spiritual corn tortilla apparently isn't good enough. It's not just those without children who are subjected to language like this. Single adults, parents with children who do not practice the faith, people married to non-members, mothers who are employed, fathers who are stay at home parents, and many other people who won't be featured on the cover of the Ensign experience this to varying degrees.

How much better, how much more Zion-like, would our church be if, instead of merely tolerating differences, we blessed the spiritual corn tortillas our fellow saints brought to church? What would it be like if we truly believed that God's hand can be found in the lives of all His people, not just those whose lives look like the general authorities.

It would go something like this: "Brother and Sister Smith, your temple marriage is good and holy, and the ward is here to feed your soul. Sister Jones, your singleness is good and holy, and the ward is here to feed your soul. Brother Johnson, you are doing a wonderful job raising your children alone, and your single parenthood is good and holy. The ward is here to feed your soul. Sister Diaz, your marriage to a non-member is good and holy, and the ward is here to feed your soul."

Blessing and validating the lives of Sister Jones, Brother Johnson, and Sister Diaz does nothing to take away from the lives of Brother and Sister Smith. They are not harmed by the spiritual corn tortillas that others bring, but denigrating spiritual corn tortillas in the name of conformity - because wheat bread is good enough for most people - unnecessarily separates our fellow saints from fully partaking of the wonder that is the gospel.

For, behold, I say unto you, that it mattereth not what ye shall eat or what ye shall drink when ye partake of the sacrament, if it so be that ye do it with an eye single to my glory—remembering unto the Father my body which was laid down for you, and my blood which was shed for the remission of your sins.

Doctrine and Covenants 27:2

When we remember the body of Christ, it doesn't matter whether that body is represented by bread made from wheat or a tortilla made from corn as long as we have an eye single to God's glory when we eat. The church is often called the body of Christ. As long as we have an eye single to God's glory, the circumstances of our lives don't matter. Don't make our spiritually gluten free saints choose between eating something harmful or going away hungry. Our spiritual corn tortillas should be blessed alongside the bread.

Finding God Alone in the Desert

Fifteen months ago, I moved to Phoenix from the San Francisco Bay Area. I didn't know anyone when I moved, and I didn't have a job. I had a few hundred dollars to my name. It was kind of scary, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

When I arrived, I settled in to my apartment and began to unpack. The first Sunday I was there was General Conference, so I didn't get a chance to go to my new ward yet.

The second Sunday, I checked the church website for the location and meeting time of my ward. I showed up at the appointed hour only to find out that I was 45 minutes late because my ward's meeting time had been changed and the site hadn't been updated yet.

The third Sunday, things started to settle in to the new normal.

For so persecuted they the prophets which were before you

I have gone on record explaining that the scriptures promise priesthood ordination to all followers of Christ, both male and female. God has promised that He will yet reveal "many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God" [1], and I firmly believe that extending the priesthood to all worthy members of the church is one of them. The restoration of the Gospel, which began in a grove of trees and is still ongoing, will not be complete until we have our latter-day Phoebes and our latter-day Junias. With that said, I have not at this point in time chosen to align myself with Ordain Women, mostly because my style is more to skip the middleman and go straight to the source - petitioning God directly.

I have many friends who have joined with Ordain Women, and their stories are heartbreaking. People, both to their face and anonymously on the internet, are calling them vile names, telling them that they are not welcome among God's people, and in some cases, even threatening them with physical harm. All because my friends, by bearing their testimony of the vision of equality the Holy Spirit has granted them, are obeying their baptismal covenant to "stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that [they] may be in" [2]. My friends are mourning that reality does not yet match this vision, and instead of their opponents obeying their baptismal covenant to "mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" [3], they are persecuting my friends in the most un-Christlike manner. My friends are responding by turning the other cheek and showing grace in the face of adversity.

We learn in scripture that in the last days, our daughters shall prophesy. [4] We also learn that the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy [5] and that we will be able to determine the validity of someone's actions by the fruits that those actions bear.[6]

Let's look at the fruits: My friends are following the scriptural tradition of the daughters of Zelophehad [7] by asking the prophets to seek revelation from God. They are being patient and kind even to those who mock and scorn them. My friends' opponents are following the scriptural tradition of persecuting the meek and humble followers of Christ [8] and are trying to cast my friends out of their worship spaces.

My friends' actions are the ones bearing good fruit. They are the ones demonstrating a testimony of Jesus by showing love.[9] Since their actions demonstrate their testimony of Jesus, which is the spirit of prophecy, I would like to cheer them with these words spoken by our Savior when He preached the sermon on the mount:

Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.  Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.[10]

May God soften the hearts of your persecutors, and may God rain down revelation on us all.

--
[1] 9th Article of Faith
[2] Mosiah 18:9
[3] Ibid.
[4] Joel 2:28
[5] Revelation 19:10
[6] Matthew 7:20
[7] See Numbers 27
[8] See Alma 32:1-3 for a description of the Zoramite persecutors casting the meek and humble out of the houses of worship.
[9] John 13:35
[10] Matthew 5:10-12

No manner of -ites

At baptism, we covenant to “mourn with those who mourn”, not “make people who mourn go away so they don’t make us uncomfortable”.

Sadly, my friends were mourning this week, and some of our fellow saints refused to mourn with us. It started out innocently enough, when someone carelessly implied that all Mormon women were married. After hearing the hurt this caused several single women, this person eventually apologized, but not before a huge dustup occurred where several of my friends were told by others (not the original person) that they were unwelcome because they were single. We were told that our pain at being excluded from our religious community was illegitimate and made-up, and that we should go and find a different place to be, so that they wouldn’t have to hear our pain.

This is not how we build Zion.

After Christ appeared to the surviving Nephites and Lamanites, they built Zion. The distinguishing characteristic of their society is that there were not “any manner of -ites; but they were in one, the children of Christ, and heirs to the kingdom of God.” 4 Nephi 1:17 This doesn’t mean that everyone was suddenly the same. It means that despite their different backgrounds, they were united. The stratifications that exist in the world should not exist in Zion.

Our community has too many -ites.

How do we overcome our natural tendency to stratify? Chapter 1 of 4 Nephi describes a righteous and happy society. Verse 12 says that they met together often. Verse 15 says that there was love in the hearts of the people.

If we want a Zion society, we need to get out of our bubbles and listen to the lived experiences of those who are different. We can’t just dismiss them. The next time you’re at church, talk to someone who isn’t like you. And then listen.

Jesus said that all the law and the prophets hang on the commandment to love. This is the center of a Christian life. If we develop love in our hearts, we will develop a Zion society. Jesus also said that whatever we do to the least of society, we have done to Him. When we ostracize entire demographics, we are kicking Jesus out of Zion.

While the catalyst for this post was the exclusion and marginalization of the unmarried, those who aren’t married are not the only -ites. We have -ites of various racial or ethnic minorities, infertile-ites,  and the list goes on and on. In Zion, there will still be people of various races and ethnicities, people of varying family compositions, and people from all walks of life. But let’s not turn them into “the other”. We should have no manner of -ites among us.

Feminism and Missionary Service

Sorry I've been so absent lately. My muse has left me, and I've been really busy with health challenges, a career change, and the bar exam (again). If I get a few moments, I'll update on those fronts.

Today at Zelophehad's Daughters, Galdralag has a post about feminism and serving a mission. A friend sent in a list of questions directed at women who have served missions. I answered the questions in the comments there but thought that it would be useful to reprint my responses here as well. So, below are eleven questions I was asked about serving a mission. Feel free to add your responses in the comments, but please also consider posting them at ZD so that the wider Bloggernacle can benefit from your wisdom.

Flunking out of YSA

I often hear people in the church refer to those who marry in their 20's as "graduating" from the YSA program. Well, if that's the case, I just flunked out. I'm no longer a young single adult in the church. I'm now a single adult.

I kind of have mixed feelings about this, and honestly I didn't expect to be weirded out by it. For all the joking about flunking out of YSA, I honestly dropped out a few years ago. I've never been a part of a singles ward. (I'm opposed to the whole idea because it creates a division in the body of Christ. There isn't a separate church for single people, so the congregations should be integrated.) I stopped going to the activities a while back because the things that appealed to me when I was 19, going to college, and living with my parents weren't really relevant when I was in my mid to late 20's, working, and living on my own. Even the mid-singles activities don't really appeal to me. They tend to be the same as the YSA activities, only with a further skewed ratio of women to men. (At the YSA activities, I found it was about 2:1. In mid-singles, it's more like 4:1 or 5:1.)

It's hard being a single person in a married church. When the primary president announces to all of the teachers that there will be an inservice and to "please ask your husband to substitute teach your class so you can attend" or when the relief society president says "we have an assignment to perform proxy sealings at the temple next week and we need five couples to attend", it can feel like I'm invisible. Those same situations could have been handled like this: "Please find a substitute teacher so that you can attend next week's inservice." and "We need five men and five women to attend a temple trip next week." Just changing a few words can make a world of difference.

My life is great. I'm pretty happy, and I'm making progress in establishing myself in a rewarding career. I have friends, family, and a wonderful cat. But there's a part of me that feels I'm missing something. I want to share this awesome life with someone. I want someone to help share my joys and my burdens and I want to share his joys and burdens. But if that never happens, I think I'll be fine. (Even though church culture says that I shouldn't be fine. The constant battle continues...)

One Lord, One Faith, One Baptism

[There is] one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all.
Ephesians 4:5-6

I attended a mid-singles conference this weekend in the Bay Area. It spanned three days, with social activities on Friday night, spiritual/educational lectures on Saturday, and a church service on Sunday. Saturday was fantastic, and my report on that can be found here. Today's church service, however, wounded my soul deeply.

The keynote speaker for today's service was Julie Beck, the general president of the Relief Society. When President Beck got up to speak, I was hoping that what had been a wonderful Christ centered conference would be concluded with yet another message focusing on the Savior. Sadly, this was not the case.

Matching Dishes

When I moved out of my parents' house and into my own apartment several years ago, I bought all of my dishes, pots, pans, etc. from the thrift store. They were serviceable items, though they weren't that nice and they didn't match. My mom tried to comfort me by saying that when I get married, I can register for matching dishes. I didn't really care that my dishes didn't match because I was just so excited to be a real grown up with a real apartment.

Well, the coating on my thrift store pans has flaked off, my plates are chipping, my set of 5 pairs of chopsticks is down to 1 1/2, and my last bowl split in half. So, I decided it was time to replace them.

I headed to the thrift store to see if I could find new stuff. The stuff that was there wasn't in good condition, so I passed on it. Then I ordered some cookware off the internet. But I still didn't have plates and bowls. I had to run to the drugstore for some other stuff, and while I was there, I saw a sale on dishes. I bought a beautiful service for four consisting of dinner plates, salad plates, and bowls.

So, now I have brand new cookware and matching dishes. It's my graduation/remission present to myself. But in a way, it's also my non-wedding present to myself. While I certainly would like to find someone to share my life with, I'm ok if I don't. I have a happy and full life; I'm not stuck in some pseudo-adult limbo. And I don't need to wait for a man in order to have matching dishes.

The Other Side of Missionary Life

I just discovered a new blog called Both Sides Now, published by Beatrice and Galdralag. (Beatrice and Galdralag are frequent commenters at Zelophehad's Daughters, so I'm excited to see their blog.) They're off to a great start.

Beatrice wrote an excellent post about emotional abuse in missionary companionships. This is a topic that is shrouded in silence, and I'm grateful that she is shedding some light on the issue. As I have alluded to before, my trainer was emotionally abusive. What follows is an expanded version of my already lengthy comment on Beatrice's post explaining my experience.

Why Dress Modestly?

There has been quite a controversy around the Bloggernacle the past few weeks about modesty of dress and how it should be taught at church.

Julie M. Smith started off at Times and Seasons with a post entitled Stop Telling the YW to Be Modest for the YM. She objects to the commonly stated view that the reason we need to teach teenage girls to dress modestly is to avoid arousing the teenage boys (and men in general). She doesn't have a problem with modest dress per se; her problem is with the way it is taught.

Geoff J posted a rebuttal at New Cool Thang entitled Please Keep Telling the YW to be Modest for the YM. He basically said that women who dress in an immodest manner are inviting sexual attention, and they need to be told that so that they will cover up and not invite that attention.

Kmillecam posted a rebuttal at The Exponent entitled Modesty: Rape Culture, Rape Apology, Young Women, Young Men. Her point was that promoting the idea that a woman's dress invites sexual attention is on the same spectrum of telling a rape victim that she was asking for it by what she wore.

I agree with Julie and Kmillecam. It is totally inappropriate to put the burden of men's sexuality on women. This model is oppressive and contrary to the teachings of Jesus Christ. It also improperly makes modesty a strictly female phenomenon. Modesty is not a strictly female phenomenon; all of God's people should be modest.

Thoughts on Home Teachers

I've had some really positive experiences with the home teaching program. Well, let me rephrase that. I've had some really positive experiences with being on the receiving end of the kind of love that all Christians should have, and some of these experiences were facilitated by the home teaching program.

That said, I haven't had a home teaching visit in over a year, and I'm perfectly fine with that. I go to church every week. (Well, almost every week. Sometimes I'm too sick to go.) I have a temple recommend and a testimony. Scarce home teaching resources could be better used elsewhere.

A Follow-up On My Most Recent Post

I wrote a post on LDS dating, and I received a comment from Kress that deserves its own post. He said

What was wrong with so-and-so that "nice" just wasn't enough to keep your interest? What would change your perspective from "oh gosh why would I ever spend more time with so-and-so" to "well, he's a nice chap; why don't we do something different next time and see if I find him more interesting in a different setting?"

First off, I left out several key details of why the particular men I was set up with were bad matches. I left out these details in the interest of protecting their privacy. I'm certainly not one to write somebody off just because there were no sparks flying with violins in the background on the first date. In fact, some of my most successful relationships have been with men who didn't sweep me off my feet instantly.

What makes the dates with these "nice" guys awkward is the expectation (culturally) that there's only one purpose to the encounter - a marriage interview, and that it has to happen on the accelerated LDS schedule. (You know, the stories about people meeting and then marrying within a few months.) When I express a sincere desire to be friends with these men, they assume that means that I never want to see them again. Really, what it means is that I want to be their friend. Maybe something more will happen, but maybe not. Either way, when I tell a man that I want to be friends, it's not a brush off. It means I really want to be friends.

Stephen M at Ethesis addresses much better what I was trying to get at with my fungibility comment in his post On Finding a Match.

Ethics and Dating in the LDS Context

I minored in philosophy in college, and I was captivated by the study of ethics. Bioethics, legal ethics, business ethics, it didn't matter. I found it all fascinating. In fact, while I was on hiatus from law school, I almost decided to abandon a legal career altogether to become a bioethicist.

I recently read a blog post by Hugo Schwyzer discussing whether or not the "pick-up artist" phenomenon is compatible with feminism. This led me to thinking about dating ethics in general and within the LDS context specifically.

In the church, there are some specific issues surrounding dating that are different from the community as a whole. The biggest one is the doctrine of eternal marriage. The fact that we believe that families can be together forever isn't what sets us apart. The big difference is the belief that (heterosexual) marriage is necessary for exaltation.

This belief imbues relations between men and women with a certain degree of sexual tension. Instead of seeing members of the opposite sex as colleagues, friends, or acquaintances, there is a temptation only to see them as potential mates - potential tickets to the highest degree of Celestial glory.

No More Strangers

Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellowcitizens with the saints, and of the household of God.

~Ephesians 2:19

Last week, I went to a J. Reuben Clark Society dinner. (I hate networking, but it's the only way to get a job, and since I'm the vice president of the student chapter, I kind of have to go to these sorts of things.) It was at the end of a really long day and I had a migraine, so I really really didn't want to be there. I'm so glad I went, though.

The guest of honor was Judge Thomas Griffith, a judge on the D.C. Circuit. After dinner, he gave a few remarks. I figured he would talk about what it's like to be a judge and give some friendly advice to the 50 or so law students present.

Learning to Say No

In the church, we're taught to say yes to callings, to service opportunities, to meetings, etc. Women especially are socialized to be people-pleasers. We're expected to be "nice" and self-effacing. There's nothing wrong with serving, there's nothing wrong with callings, and there's nothing wrong with caring for those around us. However, yes is cheapened when there isn't a viable opportunity to say no.

I've spent the last several years of my life overextending myself. There are the things I have to do (like work, household tasks, etc.), the things I want to do (social life, school, church), and the things I'm expected to do. I've done the things I have to do because they need to get done, the things I want to do because I want to do them, and the things I'm expected to do out of a sense of responsibility or guilt.

Thoughts on the Bloggersnacker

I went to the bloggersnacker in Walnut Creek yesterday, hosted by Carol Lynn Pearson. I had a really good time and I'm glad I went. It was good to get out and socialize. I've been pretty sick lately, but I was having a good day yesterday. (The test results should be back next week, and I'll get to find out if it's my thyroid or if I have to go back to square one in getting to the bottom of the mystery of what's wrong with me.)

I got to meet several bloggers (and I apologize if I inadvertently leave anyone out), such as Reese Dixon, Valorie, Kelly Ann, Lynette, Seraphine, Top Hat, and Mike H. I still owe Mike H. a response to his recent comment on my last post, and once I can get my thoughts together and find the energy to write, I'll write another post about it.

We chatted for a bit, and then we had a more organized discussion of feminism in the church. It was an enlightening experience for me. I wasn't raised in the church. I was baptized just before turning 13, and I went to church alone throughout my teenage years. As a result, I never had family home evening or gospel discussions around the dinner table.

The bloggersnacker is what I imagine a family home evening to be like. We all sat around and talked about gospel subjects and what was important to us. I like that. I think I finally figured out the need that the 'nacle fills for me. For some people, the 'nacle fills the need to know that other people feel the way they do. For other people, who can't make it to church, the 'nacle gives them the spiritual boost similar to a church meeting. For me, it gives me a place to have gospel discussions that I didn't get growing up with inactive parents and that I don't get now that I live alone. So, thanks, everyone, for the virtual FHE!

Stake Conference and Personal Revelation

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. I made it through finals, more or less. (I’m still waiting for several grades. I’ll never figure out why it takes the professors so long to grade exams. It’s been over a month.) I had a week off from classes, and for the past two weeks I’ve been juggling work with an internship for credit. However, that’s not the topic of this post. (That’s the topic of tomorrow’s post.)

The topic of this post is stake conference, personal revelation, and how it’s my lot in life to be misunderstood. Today was stake conference. Elder Trythall of the Seventy was the presiding authority. This morning, before the general session, he held a meeting for all the YSAs. The meeting was a question and answer session. Nobody seemed interested in asking a question, so I opened up a can of worms by asking a question that seems to crop up frequently in the Bloggernacle, most recently at Zelophehad's Daughters in Seraphine’s excellent series about being a 30-something single in the church.

For background, I’m 28, so while I’m technically still a YSA, I’m on the way older end. As regular readers of the blog know, I’m in law school and feel strongly called to use my God-given talents in the legal profession, most likely in legal academia. This tends to make me unattractive to the typical LDS man who wants someone who is 19, blonde, and with little ambition. (I've been told that the reason I'm single is that I'm too ambitious and too smart. Don't even get me started there.) Anyway, here’s the question I asked:

Keep Your Politics out of My Religious Organization

People who take their religion seriously often find that their political views are informed by their religious convictions. I get that. I respect that. I have no problem with that. My politics are informed by my religious views. However, it annoys me when people try to bring their politics into church settings. Church is about worshiping God. It should be a vacation from politics. Good people can differ about the wisest political course to take, and politics can serve to divide instead of unite.

Thoughts on the Word of Wisdom

Over at The Narrow Gate, C.J. has an interesting post about the Word of Wisdom. She asks, among other things, what people think of cooking with alcohol or serving alcohol to guests. I started to leave a comment, but my comment was longer than the original post, so I decided to bring it over here instead.

I don't cook with alcohol. My aunt is an alcoholic, and I saw the devastation it brought on her life and the lives of those around her. I decided when I was 5 years old, before I ever heard of the Word of Wisdom, that I would never touch the stuff. (There's enough evidence that there's some genetic component to alcoholism that I don't want to even chance it with cooking. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't all cook out.) That said, I don't have an opinion on whether it would be a violation of the word of wisdom to cook with it. (I know members who do, and members who don't.) I can see good arguments either way. On the one hand, D&C 89:7 says "strong drinks are not for the belly," with the exception of homemade wine for use in the Sacrament. On the other hand, strong drink isn't defined. Does it refer to all alcohol, or only a specific type? I'm not sure; I've never needed to find out.

I also don't serve alcohol, for the same reasons that I don't cook with it. I don't think LDS hosts should feel expected to serve alcohol to guests. After all, if I go to the home of a Jewish friend, I don't expect to be served pork. I don't think it would be wrong to serve alcohol to non-LDS guests, however. I don't see the Word of Wisdom as a universal commandment (after all, Jesus drank wine). I see it, rather, as a community marker that God has commanded for His people in this dispensation. People who have not made those covenants aren't bound by the Word of Wisdom.

Thoughts?

Personal Revelation and the "Ideal"

I've been mulling this one over for a while, and now that I have a few moments, I decided to sit down and write it. Since most of my writing these days has consisted of law review articles, you're going to end up with footnotes. It's an occupational hazard. [1]

I find the rhetoric used in the church to describe the "ideal" to be off-putting. It's usually trotted out in the context of family relations, but it can apply in other situations as well. It goes something like this: The "ideal" is a man and a woman who married in the temple in their early 20's (after the man served an honorable full-time mission), upon which the woman got pregnant within a year or two, quit her job, and became a full-time homemaker. [2] Any other situation is "less-than-ideal" and is something that the parties to the situation should feel at least slightly bad about. We can't acknowledge these situations with more than a few off-hand comments in talks because if we focus too much on them, then the "ideal" will be compromised.

In addition to causing heartache and pain to members whose lives have, for whatever reason, taken a different path, this notion of the "ideal" is in direct contradiction to our belief in personal revelation. Personal revelation comes through the Holy Spirit, a member of the Godhead. How could following instruction from God be less than ideal?

If someone receives personal revelation on a subject that differs from the "ideal", that doesn't make acting on that revelation not ideal. That revelation creates, for that person, a different ideal. For example, I have a good friend who became very close friends with a man not of our faith. As they got closer, she prayed about it and received a prompting to marry him. She was quite surprised by this, and she asked again to make sure she had understood correctly. She had. They've been married for 10 years, and they have a wonderful marriage and family. Marrying him became her ideal.

Personal revelation can serve to liberalize, as in the above instance of marrying a nonmember, but it can also serve to make things stricter for a given individual. For example, men are expected to serve a mission, and women are not. [3] When I reached the age where I was making the decision of whether or not to serve a mission, I received a witness that I should go. This revelation, which came from God, made my personal obligation to serve equal to the obligation of any man. Serving a mission became my ideal, and I would have been disobedient to God if I had chosen not to serve.

Instead of using the term "ideal" to describe the default position, I propose we use a different term which can avoid the baggage of value judgments. Perhaps something like "general rule", "default", or another suitable synonym. Basically, the idea is "do this unless you have revelation to do it differently". This phrasing is consistent with how Elder Oaks frames the issue. He has said:

As a General Authority, I have the responsibility to preach general principles. When I do, I don’t try to define all the exceptions. There are exceptions to some rules. . . . But don’t ask me to give an opinion on your exception. I only teach the general rules. Whether an exception applies to you is your responsibility. You must work that out individually between you and the Lord.

The Prophet Joseph Smith taught this same thing in another way. When he was asked how he governed such a diverse group of Saints, he said, “I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves.” In what I have just said, I am simply teaching correct principles and inviting each one of you to act upon these principles by governing yourself. [4]

As a people who believe in personal revelation, we need to make our speech consistent with our doctrine.

---
[1] I once wrote a 7 word sentence that was followed by an 87 word footnote.
[2] In talking about the rhetoric of the "ideal", I don't mean to imply that there's anything wrong with marrying young or being a full-time homemaker.
[3] See e.g. Gordon B. Hinckley, "Some Thoughts on Temples, Retention of Converts, and Missionary Service", October 1997 General Conference, reprinted in November 1997 Ensign p. 49. Available here. (Accessed April 7, 2010). ("I say what has been said before, that missionary work is essentially a priesthood responsibility. ... We do not ask the young women to consider a mission as an essential part of their life’s program. ... Again to the sisters I say that you will be as highly respected, you will be considered as being as much in the line of duty, your efforts will be as acceptable to the Lord and to the Church whether you go on a mission or do not go on a mission.)
[4] Dallin H. Oaks, "Dating versus Hanging Out", CES Fireside May 1, 2005. Available here. (Accessed April 7, 2010).