Why I Admire Vashti

The book of Esther doesn't quite sit right with me. A few years ago, I was re-reading the book of Esther, and I found a new hero from that story - Vashti. Vashti was the queen at the beginning of the story. She was throwing a party for the women of the court, and her husband, King Ahasuerus, was throwing a party for the men. There isn't much in the text about the women's party, but the men's party involved a lot of alcohol. Ahasuerus sent some servants to fetch Vashti to have her come to the men's party "to show the people and the princes her beauty: for she was fair to look on." Vashti declined, and as a result, she was no longer the queen. (The text doesn't state whether she was executed, or whether the king merely divorced her and kicked her out of the palace.)

In various church lessons growing up, I had always heard Vashti used as an example of what happens to people who are disobedient. However, upon thinking it over, I've decided that Vashti is an admirable character. She is strong, and she shows self-respect.

28 Years

I'm a blog slacker. (Not to be confused with a Bloggersnacker, which, by the way, is happening in Berkeley tomorrow at 2:00 pm.) I've been so busy with real life that I haven't had much energy to write blog posts lately, though I've been commenting throughout the 'Nacle a bit.

mfranti put up a beautiful poem on Feminist Mormon Housewives about the last 35 years of her life, and she invited the rest of us to post our lists. So, here's the last 28 years of my life, in brief. (My poor writing professor would probably cringe if he read this; he already thinks I'm too concise.)

I am...

different
a dreamer
misunderstood
::emerging::
involved
working
learning
growing
attacked
bruised
::rescued::
climbing
sliding
clawing
tired
clawing
::reborn::
called
striving
struggling
lonely
::not alone::
thinking
questioning
still believing

Merry Christmas

Christmas is one of my favorite holidays. I love the opportunity to pause and think of the Savior, and I love spending time with my family.

Why I Stay

Sorry for the lack of blogging. Finals really swamped me this semester. (I'm done, thank goodness.)

This post is a response to a thread on Feminist Mormon Housewives. A non-member wrote in asking what concerns feminist LDS women have with the church, and a lengthy thread ensued. One commenter, also a non-member, asked what makes feminist LDS women stay active in a church with such a patriarchal structure. Since the thread got long, and people started talking past one another, I decided to respond on my blog instead.

In the New Testament, Christ preached many things to the people. At one point, many people became offended and stopped following Him. Christ's exchange with his apostles as a result is instructive.

From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him.
Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away?
Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life.
And we believe and are sure that thou art that Christ, the Son of the living God.

John 6:66-69.

I have received a witness from the Holy Spirit that God's authority, the priesthood, is contained within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Although the people who make up the church are imperfect, the church is still authorized. In the words of Peter, "to whom shall [I] go?" I have faith that all of the things that are wrong with the patriarchy will be made right through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

When the priesthood was extended to all worthy male members of the church without regard to race, one of the things that stuck out to me in Official Declaration 2 was that the revelation came about in part because of the "faithfulness of those from whom the priesthood has been withheld." Today, my sisters and I are those from whom the priesthood has been withheld. I can't expect change if I'm not faithful. My faith can be a driving force in preparing the way for God to continue to fix man's errors.

The Sabbath Day

Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work:
But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates:

Exodus 20:8-10

I love the Sabbath. I love having a day set aside for spiritual pursuits, a day where I can say no to worldly cares. Some of the best Sabbaths I've had have been when I've been visiting my extended family. We sit and talk and get caught up with one another. The conversations range from current events to what's going on in our lives, to spiritual topics. It feels refreshing.

I live in an apartment right now with four other women. I'm the only Sabbath observer in the apartment. We're in pretty close quarters, so it's hard to find a quiet space sometimes. I've come to realize that in many ways, the Sabbath is a feeling I can carry with me, regardless of what is going on around me.

When the Ten Commandments were given, two reasons were listed for the commandment to observe the Sabbath:
In Exodus 20:11, we are reminded of the story of the creation. "For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it."
In Deuteronomy 5:15, we are reminded of the miracle of the children of Israel being led out of Egypt. "And remember that thou wast a servant in the land of Egypt, and that the Lord thy God brought thee out thence through a mighty hand and by a stretched out arm: therefore the Lord thy God commanded thee to keep the sabbath day."

We live in an increasingly 24/7 world. Obviously, there is some work that must be done, even on the Sabbath. Police officers, fire fighters, and emergency room personnel must be available at all times. When my car broke down on the way home from church, I was grateful that a tow truck driver was working and was able to help me pull my modern-day ox out of the mire.

However, I worry about what is going to happen to my Sabbath observance when I get out into the legal field. I already feel at a bit of a disadvantage even in law school, since I don't study or do homework on Sunday. I have six days to do what everyone else has seven days to do, and with how competitive law school is, it's a sacrifice. (I've been blessed for making that sacrifice, so I'm not complaining.)

I know I have several lawyers who read my blog. How do you manage observing the Sabbath while working as a lawyer? For you non-lawyers out there, how do you manage Sabbath observance with your job?

Rebirth

Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.

John 3:3

I've gone through several periods in my life that I would categorize as rebirths. I experienced my first rebirth in my mid-teens when I became converted to the gospel. My second rebirth came when I reached adulthood. I received the ordinances of the temple when I was 19, partly because I used this as a symbol of my rebirth as a grown woman. I experienced another rebirth on my mission. This was perhaps the most striking rebirth of all. I can honestly say I am a completely different person as a result of that experience. (Some of the change was for the better, and some of the change was for the worse.) I experienced another rebirth during my hiatus from law school. This was a painful rebirth, but I drew nearer to God through that experience than through anything else I've experienced in my whole life. I gained a new and greater understanding and appreciation of the Atonement.

I'm standing on the cusp of another rebirth, and it frightens me. I'm at the point in my law school career where I need to start figuring out what I'm going to do with my life. I know my goal, but I don't know how to get there. When I've asked for advice, I get conflicting information.

Some of my professors have told me that as long as I persevere, get good grades, and write well, I should be able to get a tenure-track position, but that it will take a while. A few of my professors say that since I didn't go to an elite law school, the best I can hope for is teaching legal writing and research. If I could pick one subject in all of law school that I don't want to teach, it's legal writing and research. The dean of career services is convinced that I can't become a professor, and she's trying to track me into litigation. If there's anything I want to do less than teach legal writing and research, it's litigate.

Since my call to teach came from God, I know He'll tell me how to get there, and He'll help me become the person He needs. It's a scary process not knowing what's ahead, though. I've been drowning in schoolwork, and I haven't been as good at spiritual pursuits as I should be. I still pray and read the scriptures and go to church, but my pondering and temple attendance have slipped. I don't remember the last time I went to the temple, but it's probably been several months. I made time in my schedule to go tonight after work. Hopefully I'll get some more direction.

I know this is a rather rambling, disjointed post, but that's how I'm feeling right now - rambling and disjointed. I tend to grow the most when times are uncertain, but it's unnerving in the moment. I'm sure I'll be able to look back on this time and see the Lord's hand in it, but right now, I'm feeling a bit like I'm just hanging.

30 Days of Scripture Study

When I was a teenager, I read my scriptures every day. I continued this through college and my mission. I derived strength and inspiration from daily study of the word of God. After my mission, my scripture study started to slip. I would miss a day here and a day there, and it got to the point that I would sometimes go for a week or two at a time without opening the scriptures. (I would still read and ponder spiritual things, but there's no substitute for the primary source.)

I've had a concern that has been weighing heavily on my mind for the past several weeks. (I may blog about it later, but not now.) I was talking to one of my friends about it, and she gave me the best advice. She told me that I should take the problem to the Lord and study the scriptures every day for 30 days with that particular problem in mind. She had done that once, and it changed her life.

I'm on day 5 now. I haven't experienced anything life-changing yet, but I'm feeling a greater measure of peace and spirituality. I'm noticing the hand of the Lord more fully in my life. I'm getting back into the habit of regular scripture study. (I hear it takes 21 days to create a habit, so I'm hoping I can get the habit ingrained.)

After the Manner of Happiness

And it came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness.

2 Nephi 5:27

I went to a mid-singles' conference this past weekend in Santa Cruz, and this scripture was supposedly the theme of the conference. (I say supposedly because the events and activities never really seemed to tie in.)

I've been thinking over the past few days about what it means to live after the manner of happiness. I'm not sure I have an answer. We're told that we will be happy when we live the gospel, and for the most part, I've found that to be the case. However, there are times when I've been living the gospel and I've still been miserable.

My mission was one of the most difficult experiences of my life, and I was definitely not happy most of the time. (There were moments, but not many.) Christ Himself was described in the scriptures as "a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief".

Right now in my life, I'm quite happy. I know I need to study the scriptures more, and I know I need to be more serious about the Sabbath, but things are going well. I don't get it. Any thoughts?

Update from Institute

I started attending institute again this semester. I signed up for a Book of Mormon class because it was the only one that would fit in my schedule. The first week was great. There were three of us in the class (plus the teacher), and we were able to have some great in-depth discussions of the material, the kind that wouldn't really work in Sunday school. The second week was okay. There were a few more people in the class, and the teacher asked me to tone down the level of my comments/questions. (There was nothing wrong/bad/subversive about my comments, they were simply complex.) I obliged.

The third week (yesterday) was a bit more frustrating. There were three brand-new investigators in class yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that people are investigating the church. I'm happy that they're attending institute. However, I'll admit that I was annoyed at the impact their presence had on the class discussion. When people ask questions like "Who is Lehi?" or "Why were they leaving Jerusalem?", it makes it harder for me to ask the questions I want to ask.

I was getting a bit grouchy and I was considering dropping institute for the semester. (With how busy my schedule is, it's a fairly significant sacrifice of time. I could spend those two hours studying.) Finally, I decided to stick with it just for the sake of going. I would like to say that I was rewarded with some new earth-shattering insight, but I wasn't. Instead, I had the opportunity to step out of the world for a few hours, feel the Spirit, and help share the gospel. Sometimes it isn't about me.

God Qualifies the Called

When I was an undergraduate, I had considered the idea of becoming a political science or philosophy professor. I decided not to, since I didn't feel like I had what it took. (I don't really fully know what it takes, but for some reason I didn't think I had it.) During my senior year, I contemplated applying to law school, but I felt that the timing was wrong. I decided to go on a mission instead.

After my mission, I went to law school. (I started 3 weeks after I got home.) I was at a 4th tier school with a major inferiority complex and a relatively incompetent administration. (The teachers were good, but the deans and other powers left something to be desired.) I don't remember exactly when it happened, but sometime in either my second or third semester there, I was standing in the 5th floor foyer one foggy afternoon (San Francisco is notorious for its fog), and it hit me. Right there, surrounded by tacky vinyl couches, God called me to be a law professor.

The school I was at got put on probation by the ABA, and the administration panicked. I got caught up in a big purge and got academically disqualified. The irony of the whole thing is that my disqualification letter and my Witkin award* came in the mail the same day. I appealed the disqualification decision, and it was denied. As a result, I had to wait 2 years before returning to another ABA accredited law school.

Last year, my waiting period was up, and I returned to law school at a school much better suited to me. Gone are the foggy days and incompetent administrators, replaced by splendid sunshine, palm trees, and an institution dedicated to the glory of God. A statue of the Savior sits in the middle of campus, inscribed with Biblical reminders to come unto Christ.

On the first day of new student orientation, we met in our legal writing and research class. My professor (Professor A) asked us each to introduce ourselves and tell what we want to do with our law degree. He made commentary on each choice. When my turn came, I said that I wanted to be a law professor. He paused for a moment before getting solemn and saying, "That will be very difficult."

He then proceeded to talk about how unless someone goes to Yale or graduates at the top of the class, it's practically impossible to get hired to teach a doctrinal subject, and that anyone else who teaches will have to teach legal writing and research. I was stunned, since most people only tell me happy things like, "You'll do great," or "Go for it!"

Over the course of the year, I came to really respect this professor and his opinions. He was always honest with me when critiquing my writing, which meant a lot to me. Still, his not so stellar pronouncement about my career prospects has stuck with me. Unfortunately, legal writing and research was not my best subject.

Over the summer, when I took summer school, I decided that it was time to start talking to my professors and finding out how they got started teaching. I asked my legal ethics teacher (Professor B) what he thought, and he told me basically the same thing. I told him I didn't think I was qualified to teach writing and research, and he suggested that I specialize in an area of law that the regular faculty didn't like to teach and then become an adjunct. He suggested I talk to Professor C to get his idea. (Professor C happens to be my copyright law professor this semester, so I'm going to catch him in office hours and find out what he thinks.)

I have Professor A again this semester, this time for appellate advocacy. I've decided to brave his office for another conversation on the subject. I've been mulling it over for a few days, and I'm nervous. I'm afraid he'll tell me what I already fear- that I'm not qualified. The other fear is that he'll tell me that I am qualified, but the black marks on my academic record, as a result of my prior disqualification from law school, will make me nonetheless unhireable.

We often hear in church the popular quote "whom God calls, He qualifies", or my personal favorite rendition of the sentiment, "God does not call the qualified; He qualifies the called". I had an amazing epiphany regarding this thought today during church.

We usually think of it as referring to church callings, but today when my mind was wandering during Sacrament meeting, I realized something. It's not just for church callings. He called me to be a law professor, and He will make me qualified. I don't know how it will happen, but it will. I think I have a unique contribution to make to the legal academy because my background is different from the typical professor. I can empathize with struggling students because I've struggled. I know what it's like to fall down and get up again. I know what it's like to have to work while going to school. God doesn't just want some random person off the street to teach - He wants me, and He'll make it possible.

Professor A's pronouncement of a year ago, that it's not going to be easy, still stands, but nothing worthwhile in this life is easy. I'm going to keep plugging along, doing my part, with faith that the Lord will do His part.

----
*The Witkin Award is given to the student with the highest grade in each section of each course. I got one in Constitutional Law II just before getting kicked out of law school.