Rebirth

Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.

John 3:3

I've gone through several periods in my life that I would categorize as rebirths. I experienced my first rebirth in my mid-teens when I became converted to the gospel. My second rebirth came when I reached adulthood. I received the ordinances of the temple when I was 19, partly because I used this as a symbol of my rebirth as a grown woman. I experienced another rebirth on my mission. This was perhaps the most striking rebirth of all. I can honestly say I am a completely different person as a result of that experience. (Some of the change was for the better, and some of the change was for the worse.) I experienced another rebirth during my hiatus from law school. This was a painful rebirth, but I drew nearer to God through that experience than through anything else I've experienced in my whole life. I gained a new and greater understanding and appreciation of the Atonement.

I'm standing on the cusp of another rebirth, and it frightens me. I'm at the point in my law school career where I need to start figuring out what I'm going to do with my life. I know my goal, but I don't know how to get there. When I've asked for advice, I get conflicting information.

Some of my professors have told me that as long as I persevere, get good grades, and write well, I should be able to get a tenure-track position, but that it will take a while. A few of my professors say that since I didn't go to an elite law school, the best I can hope for is teaching legal writing and research. If I could pick one subject in all of law school that I don't want to teach, it's legal writing and research. The dean of career services is convinced that I can't become a professor, and she's trying to track me into litigation. If there's anything I want to do less than teach legal writing and research, it's litigate.

Since my call to teach came from God, I know He'll tell me how to get there, and He'll help me become the person He needs. It's a scary process not knowing what's ahead, though. I've been drowning in schoolwork, and I haven't been as good at spiritual pursuits as I should be. I still pray and read the scriptures and go to church, but my pondering and temple attendance have slipped. I don't remember the last time I went to the temple, but it's probably been several months. I made time in my schedule to go tonight after work. Hopefully I'll get some more direction.

I know this is a rather rambling, disjointed post, but that's how I'm feeling right now - rambling and disjointed. I tend to grow the most when times are uncertain, but it's unnerving in the moment. I'm sure I'll be able to look back on this time and see the Lord's hand in it, but right now, I'm feeling a bit like I'm just hanging.

30 Days of Scripture Study

When I was a teenager, I read my scriptures every day. I continued this through college and my mission. I derived strength and inspiration from daily study of the word of God. After my mission, my scripture study started to slip. I would miss a day here and a day there, and it got to the point that I would sometimes go for a week or two at a time without opening the scriptures. (I would still read and ponder spiritual things, but there's no substitute for the primary source.)

I've had a concern that has been weighing heavily on my mind for the past several weeks. (I may blog about it later, but not now.) I was talking to one of my friends about it, and she gave me the best advice. She told me that I should take the problem to the Lord and study the scriptures every day for 30 days with that particular problem in mind. She had done that once, and it changed her life.

I'm on day 5 now. I haven't experienced anything life-changing yet, but I'm feeling a greater measure of peace and spirituality. I'm noticing the hand of the Lord more fully in my life. I'm getting back into the habit of regular scripture study. (I hear it takes 21 days to create a habit, so I'm hoping I can get the habit ingrained.)

After the Manner of Happiness

And it came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness.

2 Nephi 5:27

I went to a mid-singles' conference this past weekend in Santa Cruz, and this scripture was supposedly the theme of the conference. (I say supposedly because the events and activities never really seemed to tie in.)

I've been thinking over the past few days about what it means to live after the manner of happiness. I'm not sure I have an answer. We're told that we will be happy when we live the gospel, and for the most part, I've found that to be the case. However, there are times when I've been living the gospel and I've still been miserable.

My mission was one of the most difficult experiences of my life, and I was definitely not happy most of the time. (There were moments, but not many.) Christ Himself was described in the scriptures as "a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief".

Right now in my life, I'm quite happy. I know I need to study the scriptures more, and I know I need to be more serious about the Sabbath, but things are going well. I don't get it. Any thoughts?

Update from Institute

I started attending institute again this semester. I signed up for a Book of Mormon class because it was the only one that would fit in my schedule. The first week was great. There were three of us in the class (plus the teacher), and we were able to have some great in-depth discussions of the material, the kind that wouldn't really work in Sunday school. The second week was okay. There were a few more people in the class, and the teacher asked me to tone down the level of my comments/questions. (There was nothing wrong/bad/subversive about my comments, they were simply complex.) I obliged.

The third week (yesterday) was a bit more frustrating. There were three brand-new investigators in class yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that people are investigating the church. I'm happy that they're attending institute. However, I'll admit that I was annoyed at the impact their presence had on the class discussion. When people ask questions like "Who is Lehi?" or "Why were they leaving Jerusalem?", it makes it harder for me to ask the questions I want to ask.

I was getting a bit grouchy and I was considering dropping institute for the semester. (With how busy my schedule is, it's a fairly significant sacrifice of time. I could spend those two hours studying.) Finally, I decided to stick with it just for the sake of going. I would like to say that I was rewarded with some new earth-shattering insight, but I wasn't. Instead, I had the opportunity to step out of the world for a few hours, feel the Spirit, and help share the gospel. Sometimes it isn't about me.

God Qualifies the Called

When I was an undergraduate, I had considered the idea of becoming a political science or philosophy professor. I decided not to, since I didn't feel like I had what it took. (I don't really fully know what it takes, but for some reason I didn't think I had it.) During my senior year, I contemplated applying to law school, but I felt that the timing was wrong. I decided to go on a mission instead.

After my mission, I went to law school. (I started 3 weeks after I got home.) I was at a 4th tier school with a major inferiority complex and a relatively incompetent administration. (The teachers were good, but the deans and other powers left something to be desired.) I don't remember exactly when it happened, but sometime in either my second or third semester there, I was standing in the 5th floor foyer one foggy afternoon (San Francisco is notorious for its fog), and it hit me. Right there, surrounded by tacky vinyl couches, God called me to be a law professor.

The school I was at got put on probation by the ABA, and the administration panicked. I got caught up in a big purge and got academically disqualified. The irony of the whole thing is that my disqualification letter and my Witkin award* came in the mail the same day. I appealed the disqualification decision, and it was denied. As a result, I had to wait 2 years before returning to another ABA accredited law school.

Last year, my waiting period was up, and I returned to law school at a school much better suited to me. Gone are the foggy days and incompetent administrators, replaced by splendid sunshine, palm trees, and an institution dedicated to the glory of God. A statue of the Savior sits in the middle of campus, inscribed with Biblical reminders to come unto Christ.

On the first day of new student orientation, we met in our legal writing and research class. My professor (Professor A) asked us each to introduce ourselves and tell what we want to do with our law degree. He made commentary on each choice. When my turn came, I said that I wanted to be a law professor. He paused for a moment before getting solemn and saying, "That will be very difficult."

He then proceeded to talk about how unless someone goes to Yale or graduates at the top of the class, it's practically impossible to get hired to teach a doctrinal subject, and that anyone else who teaches will have to teach legal writing and research. I was stunned, since most people only tell me happy things like, "You'll do great," or "Go for it!"

Over the course of the year, I came to really respect this professor and his opinions. He was always honest with me when critiquing my writing, which meant a lot to me. Still, his not so stellar pronouncement about my career prospects has stuck with me. Unfortunately, legal writing and research was not my best subject.

Over the summer, when I took summer school, I decided that it was time to start talking to my professors and finding out how they got started teaching. I asked my legal ethics teacher (Professor B) what he thought, and he told me basically the same thing. I told him I didn't think I was qualified to teach writing and research, and he suggested that I specialize in an area of law that the regular faculty didn't like to teach and then become an adjunct. He suggested I talk to Professor C to get his idea. (Professor C happens to be my copyright law professor this semester, so I'm going to catch him in office hours and find out what he thinks.)

I have Professor A again this semester, this time for appellate advocacy. I've decided to brave his office for another conversation on the subject. I've been mulling it over for a few days, and I'm nervous. I'm afraid he'll tell me what I already fear- that I'm not qualified. The other fear is that he'll tell me that I am qualified, but the black marks on my academic record, as a result of my prior disqualification from law school, will make me nonetheless unhireable.

We often hear in church the popular quote "whom God calls, He qualifies", or my personal favorite rendition of the sentiment, "God does not call the qualified; He qualifies the called". I had an amazing epiphany regarding this thought today during church.

We usually think of it as referring to church callings, but today when my mind was wandering during Sacrament meeting, I realized something. It's not just for church callings. He called me to be a law professor, and He will make me qualified. I don't know how it will happen, but it will. I think I have a unique contribution to make to the legal academy because my background is different from the typical professor. I can empathize with struggling students because I've struggled. I know what it's like to fall down and get up again. I know what it's like to have to work while going to school. God doesn't just want some random person off the street to teach - He wants me, and He'll make it possible.

Professor A's pronouncement of a year ago, that it's not going to be easy, still stands, but nothing worthwhile in this life is easy. I'm going to keep plugging along, doing my part, with faith that the Lord will do His part.

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*The Witkin Award is given to the student with the highest grade in each section of each course. I got one in Constitutional Law II just before getting kicked out of law school.

Back to School

I'm back to school. There's something fresh and exciting about a new school year. This is going to be a really busy semester, but I'm looking forward to it. I'm a full-time student now, and I'm only working 20 hours per week. It's a still a juggling act, but it's more manageable than before.

I'm taking a seminar in bioethics and the law that I'm really excited about. Instead of a final exam, I have to write a law review article. I'm really looking forward to that. I like writing, and getting published will look great on my resume. It will also satisfy my supervised analytical writing (i.e. thesis) requirement.

I'm also taking copyright law. So far, I really like it. It's nice to have a class that isn't a re-run. I'm grateful that I got a second chance, but re-taking everything I had already taken was really unpleasant.

In the category of re-runs, I'm taking appellate advocacy, civil procedure, and the second semester of constitutional law. It's not going to be too bad. I love constitutional law, so taking it again will be fun. My teachers for all three re-run classes are great, so I'm sure I'll learn something new anyway.

I enrolled in institute this semester. I wasn't sure if I was going to do it or not, since I've already graduated from institute multiple times, but I figured that since I have the time, I should give it a try. I took a day class, since in my experience, the day classes have more of a spiritual education feel instead of a singles' ward feel like the night classes.

I'm going to try to get back to the spiritual roots of this blog in the future, instead of always talking about law school. Look for some more posts about my scripture study in the near future.

Surfacing for Air

I've been drowning in work and summer school, but I'm still mostly alive over here. If someone you love is planning on working 75 hours per week while taking 6 units of summer school, please attempt to dissuade him or her. I'm running on adrenaline and inertia right now. I have a final in Constitutional Law on Thursday night, and a final in Legal Ethics on Saturday morning. Then I have three weeks off before I go back to school.

I'm making some changes for the better. I'm quitting my second job, cutting back to part-time on my main job, and I'm switching into the full-time division at school. I've made it onto one of the law journals, and I'm going to get more involved in on-campus activities and clubs. I'm going to go back to institute and I'm going to try to revive my stagnant social life.

Yesterday in Relief Society, someone in my ward made a comment that really resonated with me. She told the story of three stone-cutters back a long time ago who were at a quarry cutting stone for a cathedral. Someone asked the first man what he was doing, and he replied, "I'm cutting stone." The second man was asked the same question, and he said, "I'm working with Christopher Wren to build a cathedral." The third man was asked the same question and he answered, "I'm building a house for my God."

I think I've been metaphorically cutting stone this past year, when I really need to be building a house for my God. I know that God has done many miracles to get me where I am today, and I know that He has called me into the legal profession. I need to find a way to make this a holy and spiritual endeavor. I love the motto of the Jesuits, "Ad maiorem Dei gloriam" (for the greater glory of God). As I was walking past the building where my classes are held, I stopped to notice the inscription. It listed the architect, the year it was dedicated, and the letters AMDG. If the building I study in is dedicated to God's glory, then I should remember to dedicate my studies to His glory.

Around the Bloggernacle - Volume 8

I just finished finals. I'm free! (Well, I suppose free is a relative term. I have a week to do my law review casenote and then I start summer school.)

Here's a list of interesting Bloggernacle posts lately:

Over at the Millennial Star, Tanya Spackman tries to debunk the myth that Utah drivers are bad. Apparently the Californians are to blame. (I'm a Californian, and I'm a perfectly fine driver, thankyouverymuch...)

Bookslinger has some tips on how to offer the Book of Mormon to other people.

On the lighter side, The 9th Ward has a comic explaining the Liahona.

Finally, here's an honorable mention. While it's not a Bloggernacle blog, there's a great post over at Everyday Narcissism about the cervical cancer vaccine and the law of chastity.

Imperfect People Doing God's Perfect Work

If there's one thing that the Old Testament makes clear, it's that God demands complete fidelity to the covenant relationship with Him. He has no tolerance for idolatry, even at times calling it "whoring after other gods".

Given that background, the story of Aaron and the golden calf (Exodus 32) confused me. Moses was up on the mountain talking to God, and the Israelites were starting to wonder what had become of him. They asked Aaron to make them new gods to go before them. Aaron collected all the gold and made a calf. He proclaimed to the people, "These be thy gods, O Israel, which brought thee up out of the land of Egypt." He then built an altar, proclaimed a feast day, and led the people in offering burnt offerings before it.

God was understandably upset and sent Moses back down to the people to sort the situation out. There was some divine smiting of the people, but Aaron himself got off lightly. Although there is no textual evidence of Aaron's repentance, a few chapters later, he was called to serve in the temple. Even today in the church, we call the lesser priesthood after him.

A few years ago, it hit me. God uses imperfect people to do His perfect work. I've never made golden calves and led people in idolatrous worship, but I've definitely made mistakes in my life and in my service. Still, God needs me to serve. He needs you to serve.

This realization has helped me when church leaders haven't lived up to the standard one could expect someone in a position of trust to abide. The problem isn't with God or with the church. The gospel is still true even if the people aren't. The church is still authorized even when leaders do unauthorized things.

Around the Bloggernacle - Volume 7

I turned in my final paper for my writing and research class this evening. In true procrastinating form, I handed it in 45 minutes before the deadline. Needless to say, I'm tired.

There have been some great posts on the Bloggernacle lately.

Segullah has a post about various object lessons, the good, the bad, the ugly, that are or were presented to the youth of the church.

By Common Consent has a post about going to church in Iraq.

There has been a cross-blog debate about Ayn Rand's philosophy, especially as discussed in Atlas Shrugged. Here, here, here, and here.

I'm running on very little sleep, so more to come later. Have a great day!